Silence and Love ...
Chapter 1
Finally Sarah settled in London and was very happy with her new school and friends. Just like her father Contemporary Art was something in which she was really interested in and always wanted to purse her Masters. I felt very happy and proud of her when she got admission from one of the most prestigious Art Schools in London. After Sarah left, I am getting back to the loneliness which I never wanted to experience again. All I could learn from her frequent emails and phone calls is that she has plans of settling down in London. In spite of Sarah’s constant assurance that she would definitely stay in touch and her everyday phone calls still I am finding it difficult to beat this feeling which already took over me.
It’s just another winter in Seattle and for a change this time I am going to spend it with my new partner none other than my loneliness. I decided to move to a single bedroom condo which would be more than sufficient. I am finding the house too big just for me and it was a decision taken during the summer when Sarah’s admission got confirmed. Even she felt that it would be difficult for me to manage both the house and my job at the library. I decided to move in to the new flat by the end of next week and also I decided on quitting my job or planning to shift to a part time 3 days a week. Painful to realize that just like my daughter even the library doesn’t need my help anymore.
With the help of Amy, my one and only friend from the college only with whom I prefer staying in touch, I moved the things to the new condo. Most of Sarah things were posted to her and a lot of unwanted clothes and furniture were given to the local charity. Amy was a lot more worried than what I was feeling for myself. But she felt better when I promised her that I would call her everyday. We ordered Chinese that night and Amy left after an early dinner reminding me of my everyday phone call and promised to return the next weekend.
The new condo was on the sixth floor with a balcony and a beautiful view of the Lake Washington. Sarah would definitely love the place especially for the view. At last the first snow began drifting me back to the old memories which were the only things I could ever carry with me.
Chapter 2
All I could hear was my mother shouting Maya don’t go towards the waves wait until daddy comes but still I was running towards the water ignoring my mother’s scream’s then suddenly two strong arms lifted me and got hold of me tight. The arms that I would love to stay in and the only arms which can protect me. It was my daddy the most handsome man I have seen till date and he still remains as the first man I ever fell in love with. Playing with daddy was always fun. He carried me into to the water showing me the waves and trying to teach me colors. The first color he ever taught me was the color blue. Taking the sea water in his hands and teaching me
“what’s the color of the sea my princess? Say Blueeeeee” and from then onwards blue became my favorite color and till date it still remains my favorite.
It was my birthday and I would be turning eight that year. Daddy for me a bunch of surprises the man who only wants me to smile and smile and smile. I used to love the picture frame titled Daddy’s Little Princess which had a picture of him holding me when I was just days old. Never remember him calling me by my name it was always princess, my darling, honey etc. Even this birthday daddy had a surprise for me. He planned an entire week at the Disney World. I jumped into his arms when he told me I would celebrate my birthday not at home but at the Disney World. I told him we wouldn’t celebrate it just for my birthday but will celebrate for the Best Daddy Ever. He felt so happy and was at same time very proud of me.
The week at the Disney’s was the best. Daddy carrying me on his shoulders making sure that I saw everything and taking photographs of me everywhere and sitting right next to me in every ride. In spite of mummy’s constant assurance that she will take care of me asking him to take rest he insisted that he would be with me. That was the first time I read the “The Three Musketeers” book and found the name perfect for my family. From then on we became the
“Happy Three Musketeers”.Chapter 3
It was the year I the entered my junior high school. As always mummy used to take care of my homework and studies and the major part which was fun was always with daddy. Being with daddy was always the best time for me, I used to talk everything to him about school, my friends and my secret crushes everything and as always he was there for me listening to me and teasing me on my crush list. He never missed a single parent teacher meeting and telling them how he is always proud of me. He always used to ask what I want to become when I grow up and what I want study and where? Always kept assuring me that
"no matter what happens I would always remain as daddy’s little princess".I successfully completed my junior high school and was waiting for the holidays to get over so that I can start with my first high school experience ever. I was all excited for staying four weeks at home with mummy and daddy. I am sure that daddy has definitely planned something for the vacation. The day which I never even dreamt was right in front of me. Mummy and Daddy fighting in front of me and mummy crying badly and then to a corner I saw a packed suitcase. I didn’t say anything went back to my room and started crying and for the reason I never knew. I thought daddy is leaving on an immediate office work and she didn’t like the idea of him leaving during my vacation. Later I was called for dinner by mummy was told then that
"Daddy is leaving and he is leaving us for good. He wouldn’t be coming back to live with us".I ran back into my room and locked myself and started crying. Now crying for a reason and reason is me. I thought I have done something very bad that daddy got hurt and he is punishing me by leaving me. He never came up to say good bye at least for the last time. I cried the whole night not bothering to come down and see what was happening with my mother. I remember coming down the next afternoon and mummy was still in her room crying.
I went to back to my room and slept only hoping that all this is a bad dream and finally when I get up I will see daddy and mummy again together.
Weeks passed by and there was no news from daddy. My father teaching me a new lesson.
"A lesson of disappearance. A lesson where nothing can be taken for granted and where people go and never come back". I blamed my mother for a while but gradually realized that it was never her fault and it was daddy who wanted to leave. I slowly started accepting my new life which only had me and mummy. From now it was mummy who started dropping me to school and picking me up. It was only she who was present for my parent teacher meetings or for my birthdays. It was painful to see only mummy sitting alone without daddy everywhere we went. Finally we accepted the fact and moved on. I decided to myself that I would never let man come close to me and do the same thing what daddy has done to us. Leaving us behind never cared to reply to our calls. Mummy wrote him many times asking him to call if not for her at least for my sake but still the silence remained.
Four painful years passed by. I wrote a lot of letters to daddy but never posted any. I saved them all in my secret box where mummy cannot find them. These years taught me a lot. So many things and feelings which I preferred to keep to me rather than sharing with anyone. I started living in silence just like how my daddy was living now. It was always my silence which spoke and thankfully mummy always understood.
Finally it was my graduation time and mummy was very happy that I would be going to college now and she was very proud of that. I decided to write to my father now for the last time. Inviting him for my graduation, to see his daughter whom he was always proud of graduate. The graduation day arrived and now as always there was no daddy present or there was a reply for the first and the last letter I ever posted to him.
Mummy could feel the disappointment in my face but even she knew that nothing could help me. That was the first time I learned that I would never see my daddy again or I should expect it. He is gone, gone way far from our lives no matter what we do he will never come back. This time there were no tears but a painful silence as always now that silence was from me leaving me a thought
“Is daddy still proud of me”? My loneliness was expressed only through my silence and I started embracing it.Chapter 4
Mummy wanted me to apply to best universities in arts but I told her that I wanted to attend a college which is close to home where I can come home every week and spend time with her. I had my own selfishness in this , I didn’t want to miss my mother too just like how I missed my father. She insisted that I deserver to study in better universities than the ones which were near by and explained me the benefits of studying in the top universities but still I never gave up on my decision and finally she agreed with mine. I told her I will be visiting her every week and I could really feel that happiness in her and all she said was she is really very proud of me.
My first day at college at freshman. Mummy came to drop me and as I was approaching the school all my emotions were mixed. I was happy that mummy was with me to drop me and at the same time thought of daddy when I saw a lot of kids with both their parents. I was early to homeroom, and as I took my seat I wondered who I might meet. There were some old and new faces. Everybody excited and happy in their own way.
I could see him waving towards to me and smiling and now walking towards us. It was Kevin my classmate from school we have always been together in many of ours classes but we never spoke much. He was my first crush back in junior high school. About whom I used to tell daddy everyday and daddy used to tease me with his name. As he approached us even my mother recognized him and as we spoke we understood that both of us again together in arts class. My mother instantly liked him and when she was leaving she was genuinely happy saying “Maya I am sure you will have fun.” But do remember that mama will miss you and love you loads. Will be waiting for the weekend. After she left I felt a little low for the first few minutes but as day went by everything was feeling great after a long time.
Chapter 5
Amy was my roommate a very calm but very friendly girl who was instantly there for me from day one. She was in the science class which was completely out of my syllabus and that’s something which I never tried to show any interest and even she left the same thing for arts. In spite of being in different classes we were still bonding well. That week when I went home I told mummy about my new friends especially about Amy but for my surprise she asked me about Kevin. I told her that there is nothing going around and we are just good friends.
Being in college was really good I was able to leave my silence behind and start talking and feeling happy once again. Kevin and me started talking, talking a lot in fact. In very short time he became very close to me. One day Kevin asked me out and it was Amy and my mother who was more excited then me.
In less than two weeks after our first date Kevin proposed and I instantly said yes. My fear of not believing in a man again was slowly being erased by Kevin. Now he was there for me just like how daddy taking care of everything in my life and listening to me and promising me he would always be there.
It was during that vacation that I met his parents. Both our parents being from the same town needed no long introductions and his parents recognized me and liked me immediately just like how my mother liked Kevin. His parents knew about my parents divorce but they never mentioned anything through out the dinner and I was really happy for that and told the same thing to Kevin and all he said was they really like you Maya now you don’t have to worry about anything.
"I will always be with you ".
Finally all of us graduated and Amy decided to settle in Seattle and Kevin got a job in an art gallery in New York and I decided to go back and stay with mummy and then deicide.
Chapter 6
After the graduation Kevin and I returned back to our homes and we were with our parents enjoying the vacation. One day when I returned home from shopping I was surprised to Kevin home and before I could react he was on his knees asking me to marry him, proposing to me right in front of my mother. I couldn’t stop my tears, tears that ran out of happiness after a long and in less than a month we were married.
My mother loved and treated Kevin just like a son whom she never had. She was sure that he is the only person who can ever take care of me and keep me happy. We had to move to New York because of Kevin’s job in an art gallery there. This time my mother not worried but in fact very happy for my new life. That was my last dinner with mummy before we left to New York. I wanted to talk to her about this from a very long time but never did coz I never knew how she is going to react. But finally I thought the time has come for me to tell her or rather ask her. Later that night I told her that’s its high time she start seeing somebody else. After a long silence all my mother could tell me was that my father is the only man she ever loved and she wants to keep it only that way. She said it was impossible for her to love someone else in the same way and that was enough for me to understand that my mother decided to stay single for the rest of her life.
It was difficult for me to leave my mother coz this time I can’t promise on coming home every weekend. All I could tell her was I will call her everyday and asking her to take care.
Chapter 7
Life in New York was completely new for us. Things and people are very fast to catch up with. Kevin slowly started getting busy with work and me started getting used staying at home alone and waiting for him.
I made sure that I called mummy everyday and I was happy that even Kevin made it a point to talk to her as often as he can. We celebrated our first anniversary with both our parents at my mothers place and it was four months after that I learned I was pregnant. I immediately called up Kevin told him the news and asked him to come home and called up my mother who was equally happy. I never saw Kevin this excited until now. He asked if I would like to stay at my mothers place and I said I would prefer being with him any day. And for us the best days of our life just started.
Kevin was always there during my regular doctor visits and constantly assuring my mother that he would take care of me which he was really doing well.
Amy came to visit us the following week. She instantly agreed on being the godmother for our future child and was very happy by the way Kevin was taking care of me. Three of us decided on the names. If it was a girl we would call her Sarah or if it was a boy we would name him Michael.
Later that week my scanning was done and the result said it was a baby girl. We were all happy and waiting for baby Sarah. Amy left the next day promising to return soon and asking me to take care.
Winter had arrived and in the middle of December Sarah was born. I could see an extension of me in my hands now. The cute form of our love and our future was in our hands.
Chapter 8
After Sarah was born my mother offered to come and stay with us for a while and to help me in taking care of her. More than Kevin I felt I wanted my mother with me now. Sarah was the most beautiful thing ever happened to me she has the same nose like Kevin’s and same oval face and his high cheek bones but she’s got my black hair. I never wanted to leave her always wanted to be with her just like how my mother was always taking care of me .
Its Sarah now who is becoming her father’s little princess. Every time Kevin called princess it reminded me of my father. I wonder how he would react if he ever comes to know that I am married now and have a daughter but as always my thoughts and dreams about my father remained only as dreams which never came true.
Four months after Sarah’s birth my mother decided to go back to Ohio and I couldn’t stop her this time she felt she stayed for too long and as I learned to take care of Sarah now she decided to go. She asked me not worry and told her she would be visiting frequently.
As Sarah grew so did Kevin’s job. He became very busy at the gallery came home late and I was not worried as the most important thing to me now was to take care of my daughter.
One evening suddenly we got a call from my neighbor in Ohio saying that my mother had a sudden heart attack while she was shopping for groceries and was admitted at the local hospital.
By the time I could reach my mother all I could realize was she was no longer for me. I cried for losing someone who guarded me all these years. Cried for not being there when my mother wanted me. Cried for ever leaving her. She was all fine the when we last spoke but now all I can feel is her cold skin.
A reminder of disappearance again a lesson once taught by my father…Chapter 9
Sarah turned three and it was two and half years since my mother left us. Now Kevin and Sarah are only ones I have in my life. Time was slowly healing the loss of my mother just like how it helped me once during what happened with my father.
It’s been really long since Kevin me and spoke. I find him very quite these days unlike the old ones where he used constantly talk to me listen to me and be there for me. I don’t know but all I could see was a huge bridge forming between us. A gap increasing with every passing day. Sarah became my only source of happiness.
I always remember my father saying history repeats but never understood until today when Kevin finally spoke leaving behind the silence after a long time and all I could realize was what happened with my parents the same thing is repeating in my life. Kevin decided to leave me and Sarah saying it was impossible for him to take the responsibilities or he was too young to have a kid and etc. All I could do was stand watch him leaving. Before he left he kissed Sarah good bye which my father never even did for me. But I am sure Sarah is too young to remember all this.
Chapter 10
"Life is a series of random events where the possibility of odds being even is impossible". That’s what my life has taught me.
It has been 17 years since Kevin left me and Sarah. I decided to move to Seattle where Amy was there. My only connection with this world after Kevin and Sarah.
I could never forget those words of my mother the night when I asked her to start seeing someone else. Just like how my mother loved my father I loved Kevin may be I am still in love with him waiting so that he would come back some day.
Sarah had been a beautiful child always understanding and was there for me making me proud of her in every decision of hers. I will always love her may be this is how my mother felt about me.
And here I am today back to my loneliness which my father once introduced. Embracing it all again silently.
The next morning awakened by the sound of the door bell thinking if it was Amy I went to open to the door and it was no longer a dream.
Dreams do come true and it was Kevin in front of me.
