Cars speed by me
Laughing people walk my way
I stand still

I believe that life is different, but good;
that I bent but didn't break;
that you were good but not good enough;
that I am strong and getting stronger;
that there are always better days ahead;
that music cures a lot of ills;
that good friends are indispensable;
that bruised hearts will heal;
that tears dry up;
that life is beautiful, and so am I.

For Better or Worse...

Its 3:50 in the morning. I listen to the rain above my roof, the raindrops trickle sexily down the windows of my sun-room taking me back to time where nothing ever made sense in life.

Childhood is actually deceptively hard - politics of the school, bickering parents, cruel kids, strict teachers, loads of homework, and of course the stupid dating and the lousy aftermath. It's hard to be a kid. Every day you have a million questions and your only course of action is to save them up and then ask an adult - why? why? because why? how come?

But perhaps being an adult is harder still; life continues to present you with an infinite amount of questions, but this time around, there's no one to ask why. In fact, you learn quickly that sometimes there is no why, no how come. It just is. And there's nothing you can do about it.

At times I feel like screaming out so loud that the voices in my head are heard not just to me.May be I am just a coward or too naive to do that.

Why do people come and go? I hate it when people come in and I hate even more when they walk out. Yes I still support the idea or believe in the concept of free will. I would never stop and ask WHY. You want to leave you are free to go. But just remember when you are walking out you are just crushing a part of me which can never come to life again.

I totally dislike this cliche about life giving and life taking away. I don't think there is actually a replacement for anyone. Everybody has there own share when it comes to love and loss.

Just like Daddy says 'IT IS WHAT IT IS'.

And finally, A worse thing happened, and so did something good. Now I believe they exist simultaneously, even if it seems incongruous. I walked out of love, shattered but alive. My life goes on, love & happiness, loss & grief, all of it together in a jumble that's hard to decipher sometimes. I'm still trying to figure it out. And I'm think I'm lucky. Not just because I still have some people, but because for a time I had...



P.S. I am not sad sad sad or depressed. In fact I am happy... All thanks to my miel. I am just trying to clean out all the rusting thoughts from my stupid mind..

Well, it's true that I have been hurt in my life. Quite a bit. But it's also true that I have loved, and been loved. And that carries a weight of it's own. A greater weight, in my opinion. It's like that pie chart we talked about earlier. In the end, I'll look back on my life and see that the greatest piece of it was love. The problems, the divorces, the sadness... those will be there too, but just smaller slivers, tiny pieces...

"One week, one strong. One scared, one bold. I am beginning to understand that there are no such things as absolutes, not in life, or in people. Like someone said, it was day by day, if not moment by moment. All you could do was take on as much weight as you can bear. And if you're lucky, there's someone close enough to shoulder the rest."

Things to do Before I die …

1. Inflict a violent death upon my computer. Go all Office Space on its ass, because damn it feels good to be a gangsta.

2. Learn what all the fuss is about Girl Scout cookies, ie: what the hell are thin mints?

3. Learn all the lyrics to Rapper's Delight (I said a hip hop the hippie the hippie to the hip hip hop, a you don't stop the rock it to the bang bang boogie say up jumped the boogie to the rhythm of the boogie, the beat...) and then slither around on a karaoke stage in a skanky sequined top, just because.

4. Burn all my journals, and my ....

5. Camp underneath the stars, contemplating life's greatest questions, such as who will pick Squash's bellybutton lint when I am gone.

6. Shave my head and get a cool tattoo on my scalp. Let my mother scream at me about it.

7. Have a slumber party for all my girl friends. Watch Disney movies, dance to the Dirty Dancing soundtrack, pay each other sincere compliments, drink ourselves silly on cosmopolitans and daiquiris.

8. Rent the use of a big well-stocked kitchen for 1 full day. Do my favorite things: chop veggies, play with phyllo pastry, make cheesecake, and freeze enough casseroles. Drink lots of good wine and .....

9. Finish my story, for peace of mind. Seal it in an envelope, and mail it to a fake address.

10. Plant a tree. Spit in the dirt where it grows to leave something of myself behind.

11. Write strongly worded letter to the Bank Loan people to the tune of "Haha you ****ers, just try to get a penny out of me now that I'm dead!"

12. Spend one night dancing in a club, by myself, to say thank you to my body for its usefulness. Request 'It's Not Right, But It's Okay' and dance on speakers for old times' sake.

13. Return to the beach where I grew up all my life and enjoy the sunset with my toes in the ocean; and tell him that even the bad times were good, that I've loved loving him, and that I'll visit him in hell if I get the chance.

14. Hug everyone I've cared for, goose a few when they're all weepy and touched.

15. Cut the electricity and read aloud to him by candlelight. - E. B. White's Stuart Little and Charlotte's Web.

Hope to be remembered that way :).



P.S. I am sure Haritha and Deepthi have smiliar list or may be exactly the same :D

“Maybe mistakes are what make our fate... without them what would shape our lives? Maybe if we had never veered off course we wouldn't fall in love, have babies, or be who we are. After all, things change, so do cities, people come into your life and they go. But it's comforting to know that the ones you love are always in your heart... and if you're very lucky, a plane ride away”.

Aug 26th -

I am unsuspecting in my car when the radio serves me up a little piece of nostalgia:

Iris, by the Goo Goo Dolls.

I had just turned 15 the summer it first played on the air but i remember listening to it for the first during high school years. Close to a decade and I can still taste 2000 like it was yesterday.
I was in the middle of my first love. It was glorious and it was heady and it felt so ****ing important, like this was it. ( But of course time,things and people definitely change ...).
I remember talking on the phone for hours and sleeping until 1pm and stalking MTV to catch my favorite videos specially this song and those posters on my wall.I remember leaving home and moving to my grandparents basement and the dread of changing schools, leaving my friends, missing out.I remember the stolen kisses and the not knowing and the secrets, some shared, others kept.I still remember those tears and fears and learning what it means to be strong.

And I remember always, always turning the volume up when this song came on the tv,
and now for once really understanding what they were singing about.

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive